I have to confess something, you guys. I’m not much of a spa girl. Now before you throw your hot massage stones at me, hear me out. I hate getting massages, because the therapist is always saying, “Relax! You’re all tensed up.” And I’m all, “Hello. A stranger is massaging my naked body. How the eff am I supposed to relax?” And although I have never had something as luxurious as a mud bath, I do have several important concerns regarding them. Such as, where does all of that mud, ahem, go?
Instead, I prefer to do some DIY spa treatments at home, where I’m the only one that can judge my cellulite. (Another fear of mine with massages. I have a lot of issues, what can I say?) I have compiled some of my favorites that you can try, whether it’s laziness, neuroses, or budget that might keep you away from the spa at any given moment.
Oil treatments: I love to use a good oil as a hair mask. You can use either olive oil or coconut oil warmed up in your hands. Rub it into your hair, starting at the ends and working your way up to the roots. I would leave it on for at least half an hour, but do whatever rocks your world. I ain’t your mama on this one. You can even wild out and put a warm towel around your hair for deeper penetration. (I’m not touching that one with a ten-foot pole.) Then shampoo out and don’t condition. I usually shampoo twice, because as I already told you, I’m an oily b. Ya heard?
Tip—You can also use olive oil on your cuticles and coconut oil as a body moisturizer. And then you can fry yourself up in a pan! (Don’t do that last part.)
Body scrubs: You don’t have to be Mr. Wizard to create your own body scrub. It’s supereasy, or I wouldn’t even make that mess. I am not the one to trust with the periodic table. All you have to do is combine a granular sugar (brown is great, but whatever), a little olive oil, and a dab of honey. That’s it! Just scrub-a-dub-dub all that dull, blah skin away.
Tip—Add some freshly brewed (not too hot) coffee grounds to the mix. Caffeine is reportedly good for cellulite (can I just brew my whole body in a pot o’ joe?), and it’s a great pick-me-up for the skin!
Face masks: Who doesn’t love a good face mask? Probably zombies. I have a great mask that I like to make for my cray oily face. Mix equal parts Aztec Secret Indian Healing Clay and Bragg’s Raw Apple Cider Vinegar (both are available at health-food stores) and apply all up on your mug until it’s about half an inch thick. Your face kind of pulsates weirdly with this junk on it, but it will dry the Josie Grossie oil slick all up! If you are a dry-faced lady, try a supermoisturizing mixture of mashed avocado, a little honey, and an egg yolk. Leave that bad boy on for about 30 minutes, and get ready to have skin as soft as a freshly bought feather pillow. See, totally easy, right? Now let’s make some brownies in an Easy Bake Oven and get this party started! (This is a strictly BYOB party. What am I, made of money?)
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